Today, was one of those rare days or swimming did absolutely nothing for me. I gave myself the best shot I could I getting out of this funk. I went to an outdoor 50-meter pool I swam for an hour. The whole swim felt like dragging myself through a pool Jell-O pudding. My body and my mind felt stuck not on anything in particular but just like I was pushing through a barrier that only yielded was stubborn persistence.
After getting out of the pool I don't even have the mental fortitude to work up a good solid cry in the shower. The saying that in the water they can't see you cry is only partly true. People can see you cry. If you have ever cried with your face just barely below the water's surface then you know how hard it is to not choke on the water as you're choking on your own sobs, how your goggles fill up quickly with tears and the way saltwater eventually stings your eyes. You stop to empty your goggles so frequently that your teammates or lane-mate knows are not leaking. I learned a long time ago how to not cry in the pool and how to save it for the shower and how to face the shower letting the water hit my face and pretend it was soap in my eyes making me scrunch up my face so that no one would bother me while I had myself a good cry. But today I just don't even have the energy for that. I do feel better sitting in my car now after my workout than I did before I got in the water but that's not saying much. December is the hardest month of the year for me. I mean I'm not usually the happiest person in the world, but December just always feels like such a smack in the face. Every year I go about the motions, I push myself through the month I focus on doing things I always do, and sometimes it turns out okay and I enjoy the season. Part of that is making sure I get to swim but after today I'm not sure if it's enough. I suppose I'll have to try again tomorrow.
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